Jiří Suchý: Fragment of Dialogue

WOMAN OFFICIAL:
Congratulations, your application has been granted.

MAN:
But I didn't submit any application.

WOMAN OFFICIAL:
And it's good that you didn't. Had you submitted one, we should have rejected you, whereas this way we've approved you.

MAN:
For what?

WOMAN OFFICIAL:
We wrote you that we have no objections.

MAN:
To what?

WOMAN OFFICIAL:
To nothing. We simply have no objections to anything. So – you can.

MAN:
Can what?

WOMAN OFFICIAL:
Well, you have to know that, what you can do. Who else would know?

MAN:
Who? I would think the authority that granted me permission.

WOMAN OFFICIAL:
How can we know what we've permitted you to do when you didn't apply for anything? Had you applied, we would have know what you were applying for and rejected it. Now you're at an advantage really: since we don't know what to deny you, we're allowing it. What, isn't that clear enough?

MAN:
Now I see: I can do anything. Whatever I set my mind to.

WOMAN OFFICIAL:
Yes.

MAN:
But I could do that before.

WOMAN OFFICIAL:
Except without a permit – illicitly, in other words. Whereas now you have the blessing of our office. Isn't it great?


MAN:
Actually – yes.

WOMAN OFFICIAL:
Well worth the fee, wouldn't you say?

MAN:
Wait, the fee?

WOMAN OFFICIAL:
Yes, the fee. Of course one must pay a fee for a permit.

MAN:
And how much is this fee?

WOMAN OFFICIAL:
Twelve hundred fifty.

MAN:
Well in that case I don't want the permit.

WOMAN OFFICIAL:
Too late for that. We've already made it up for you. Now you have to pay for it. Or apply to have the fee waived, but we'd reject that. So in the end you'll have to pay.


MAN:
And if I don't pay?

WOMAN OFFICIAL:
Then there'll be fines.

MAN:
And what happens if I don't pay them?

WOMAN OFFICIAL:
We won't send you a calendar.

MAN:
And if I do pay?

WOMAN OFFICIAL:
Not then either. As a matter of principle we don't send calendars to anybody. Remember that: nobody! In January they all get recycled.

MAN:
And what's the sense in that?

WOMAN OFFICIAL:
It's ecological. We're saving trees.

MAN:
You're saving the trees by issuing calendars that then get recycled? Why do you issue them then?

WOMAN OFFICIAL:
So that we can recycle and thereby save the trees! Your thick-headedness is starting to get on my nerves. The trees are there so that we can protect them. The best way to protect them is to recycle old paper. But that old paper doesn't just drop down from outer space, it must be manufactured first. And the manufacture of old paper is what we're here for, bureaucrats!



Translated from the Czech by Michael Allen